
Hello Day One of Chapter 35!!!
If I was told that I would be learning to love again a few years ago, I would be amped, but I often find myself afraid nowadays.
Here I am learning to embrace myself in all my depths and contradictions while attempting to show someone who I am. I'm sure they're all excited and confused all in one.
My Gemini is being displayed in full effect, but not the chaotic/temperamental Gemini everyone expects. On the contrary of what society paints Geminis to be, I'm quite calm by choice. The storm that many describes Geminis to be, roars within me. I sit with many feelings and emotions and choose to display peace. We all have a choice to be who we desire to be and not allow individuals or situations to shift who we choose to be.
For years I have been told I had to change in order to receive what I deserve in life. Change is a must, but I do not have to give up my peace just to receive the respect I deserve. What needed to change was believing in myself, setting boundaries, and knowing I was not expecting too much! The ability to be versatile is often stripped from "everyday people" and we are put in a box to only be one way. By conforming to that box, we deny ourselves from being our "True Selves". Including our own box, we place within our life from personal trauma and the process of living outside of our boxes becomes even more difficult to escapes.
The past 5 years has been a process of owning who I am. I have always taken PRIDE in being bisexual since I realized my attraction for females in high school was more than a phase. It took me years to realize I desired to be Poly and still learning the dynamics I desire. I'm more verbal on these parts of me than anything, yet I refuse to deny other parts of me.
I tend to display myself professionally and tamed, that is the Christian upbringing in me. I value being humble and presentable while coming as I am and not judging. The Psychologist in me values understanding individuals and getting down to the root causes for what triggers us to be us. Imagine learning that you cannot let loose because you were taught at an early age to be conservative; that being taught to be conservative stemmed from being took advantage of which stemmed from adults trying to break cycles without knowing how. Life is about knowing the HOW and WHY. We often find ourselves in a mess because we thought we knew how but didn't understand why or understood why but didn't know how.
Along my journey I have learned to value others along the way who helped guide me with suggestions, knowledge, reflection, and advice. Something I also value from my Christian upbringing is "lean not unto thy own understanding". In my last book, I wrote about my prejudice that often stunts my ability to receive. We all have prejudice ways, acknowledging them is the first step to unboxing our traumas. Allowing people to reflect with us helps us unbox from society's views and our own prejudice thoughts.
Imagine life as the Matrix. Remember how Neo had a team of individuals helping him complete the missions and they played different parts in his success. You are the Neo in your life and part of someone's team in their life whether you know it or not. You just have to believe in yourself!
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